Tales of a Telemarketer

7 Things You May Not Know About Telemarketing

1. When you dial the numbers '9997', it sounds like the beginning of Beethoven's 5th. But don't be foolish enough to think you can finish the phrase by pressing '888something' because NOTHING works. No matter how many times you press every button on the phone.

2. Never underestimate the power of saying 'I'm good, thanks. How are you?' when a telemarketer asked how you are. No matter how bored/depressed/exhausted I was when I started the call, I find myself feeling rather chuffed and replying with a very enthusiastic 'I'm VERY good. Thank you so much for asking!' It makes my day.

3. There's nothing better than calling crazy people. They are hilarious and we welcome the diversion from an otherwise monotonous day.

Exhibit A:
Me: Hello, may I please speak to Mr or Mrs W?
(pause)
Ms W: (you have you imagine it with an American accent) WHERE DO YOU YOU GET YOUR INFORMATION FROM?
Me: Uh, we get our data from -
Ms W: HOW DARE YOU? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU! (slams down phone)
Me: Mmmmwhat? Oh well, that was weird. (Starts dialing next call when phone starts ringing) Hello, Tamara speaking. How can I hel-
Ms W: Fuck you! How FUCKING dare you ask for that fucking ASSHOLE who DIVORCED me FIVE fucking years ago! Fuck you!
Me: ... (speechlessness) ... (hands phone over to colleague)
Colleague: ... (speechlessness) ... (hangs up phone)
Me: What did she say?
C: Nothing.
Me: No really, what did she say?
C: No, seriously, nothing, she just screamed into the phone like 'ARRRRRRRRHBLAGHMARRRRRGH!' and hung up.
Me: Wow.

Brilliant.

Exhibit B:
The 70-year-old man who spoke non-stop for 20 minutes about how he manned a fighter plane during the Cold War (yeah, I know) and his adventures as a pilot in 3 different wars. Truly riveting stuff, and I'm guessing a good 80% was made up.

4. There is nothing - nothing - more awkward than calling a dead person. Now, I don't mean calling someone and them going 'No, sorry love, I can't buy anything off you, I passed away last year so my credit cards are no longer valid. No, I mean:
Me: Hi, may I please speak to Stephanie?
Them: Ah, no, she died 5 years ago.
Me: I guess she doesn't want to buy a tutoring program then?
But not really. I actually just give them my condolences and hang up. But seriously, it's really horrible. Especially when it's a young kid who tells you because then it sounds like it's their mother or something, which is truly awful.

I called 6 dead people in 4 weeks. People started calling me the Grim Reaper of Telemarketing.

5. As a general rule, kids have terrible phone manners.

6. As a general rule, elderly people have absolutely lovely phone manners.

7. That woman who is on the automated voice mail messages who says 'Hallo, we are not available now...' is not only ridiculously creepy, but also sounds suspiciously like Bonnie Lythgoe.

And that's just a random selection. Perhaps I'll let you in on more such absolutely riveting tidbits another time.

Love,
Tamara

The Almighty Gap Year

Hello everybody!

As I'm sure most of you know, I am shortly jet setting across the world for a good 6 months, and thought that a travel blog would be the best way to keep you all up to date with my travels. For those of you who don't know, I am leaving Sydney on the 31st of May and flying aaaaalll to way to... Melbourne. BUT after Melbourne is the 24 hour flight London, where I shall travel around the UK for a few months (including an awesome 3-play, 3-night stint in Stratford-Upon-Avon, home of the Royal Shakespeare Company). Then I shall be train-ing it across Europe, hoping to visit Barcelona, Rome, family in Torino di Sangro, Venice, Verona, Padua, Vienna, Berlin, Prague, Amsterdam, Paris, and wherever else the European Autumn winds and the winding cobbled streets take me. Then I arrive in NY on Halloween Eve, stick around for a few weeks before travelling to San Fran, and then spending a few days on the Santa Monica beach in LA. Finally, I will arrive in Sydney - exhausted - on the 1st of December.

So yes. It's quite a trip.

But before you all become so wildly jealous of me that you rip all of your hair out in frustration, I may have to remind you of what I have gone through in order to allow me to even attempt to endure such an enormous adventure.

One word: telemarketing.

At the moment, 11 hours a day, 5 days a week of telemarketing.

I know. All I can hope is that the pieces of my soul I've lost will somehow find their way back to me with all the culture I'll be immersed in during my travels. Here's hoping.

But, if nothing else, telemarketing has left me with a few relatively amusing tales to tell. Maybe I'll let you in on a few some time. But not right now because it's 1:30am and I have a 2am Skype interview with Zoo Venues, trying to get a position volunteering for the Edinburgh Festival. Wish me luck!

Love,
Tamara